Column 5

It’s About How You Live

Lynn Bonde

What do I say now?

Just recently, I’ve received notices of a number of deaths.  That’s not such a strange occurrence for me, of course, because I work at Calvert Hospice.  Here the death of our patients is expected and often seen as a welcome release from a failing body.  But these recent death notices are more personal: the father-in-law of a friend, the mother of a member of my congregation, the brother of a friend from school.  For each, I have written a note of condolence.  All the notes start, “I’m so sorry to learn of the death of your (fill in the blank).”  Then what?

One of the consequences of how we avoid talking about death in this culture is that we also don’t learn what to say to those whom death has touched most closely.  Our grieving friends and neighbors are bombarded with casseroles, pies, and hams, which are very helpful, even though for many of them eating is probably the last thing on their minds at the moment.  But what about the words?  How do we talk to the grieving? 

In the interest of helping to close this important communication gap, here is a summary of tips about talking to the bereaved I’ve learned over the years as a grieving person, as a grief counselor, and as one supporting the bereaved.  The hardest thing for those of us confronted with someone grieving the death of a spouse, child, sibling or friend is to say nothing more than a simple comment of acknowledgement and sympathy.  When we attend the wake, viewing or funeral, make a condolence visit in the first few days after the death, or run into the person at the store, their sadness makes us so uncomfortable that we want to rush in to fill the gap with words. 

We want to know how they’re doing, or tell them that they look well, even if they don’t.  We want to say, “My Aunt Tessie died of the same thing as your dad,” or “I know just how you feel.”  This last is perhaps the most difficult comment of all for a grieving person to hear.  Every relationship is unique and so every death is unique.  No one can truly know how anyone experiences the loss of another person, the memories they see in their mind’s eye, the particular emptiness the death of that person leaves in a life.

It’s important to remember to say something, though.  Just “I’m sorry for your loss,” is sufficient.  Not acknowledging the bereavement of a co-worker or a lodge brother because we “don’t want to bring it up and make them sad,” is an understandable impulse.  The fact is, a grieving person thinks of the person who died a great deal, so you’re reminding them of that loss in fact helps rather than hurts because they see they’re not isolated and alone in their pain.

So how do we walk this tricky line of being sympathetic without being overbearing or unwelcome.  “I’m so sorry,” is a good start.  “I knew your (fill in the blank) from (work, church, school), and (he or she) will be missed,” is another helpful comment.  If you know that the grieving person has spent some time caring for their loved one who died, you can say, “I’m sure (he or she) appreciated your care towards the end.  It was a great gift to (him or her).”  If it’s true, you can also say, “You are in my thoughts and prayers.”  Sometimes the best thing you can offer is your presence.  Someone who is able to be with a grieving person, without any particular expectation of conversation, can create a very peaceful space within which they may receive the greatest gift of all -- feeling less alone in bearing their loss.